What’s the smallest phone I can get?

 AYou kids and your good eyes and your dinky little bags and your tight jeans.You’re unappeasable.

Companies are releasing massive phones that once would’ve been called tablets (GaGu doesn’t use portmanteaus, so ‘phablet’ is right out) and now you want tiny phones? What gives? So, say Guru was to do one of his classic question-jukes and dodge the way you were thinking he’d go: the smallest phone you can get is a watch. An Apple Watch or other smartwatch with a cellular connection can do calls. In a lot of cases, you still need a phone, because the contract for the watch tends to be just a side-benefit sharing your main number, but you could leave that at home.

The concept of number sharing brings Guru on to the Palm Phone ($350, US only for now, and only with the purchase of another phone on contract). It’s dead cute, around the same size as a stack of credit cards, and designed to be a companion phone to your real phone. GaGu can see the appeal, but he reckons it works as just an okay alternative to everything else. Let us get a bit more traditional. Apple has binned the iPhone SE, making it a no-go area for smallphone fans – the 4.7-inch iPhone 7 or 8 is now its littlest. Android is obviously a broader ecosystem; Unihertz’ Jelly Pro (£100) runs on Android Nougat and totes a 2.45-inch screen, although GaGu wouldn’t have it in his house, much less his pocket. The Gravitis J8, a £25 dumb phone, is 2.5-inch nose to tip, and weighs just 19 grams. It’s a novelty, but maybe it’ll be useful?